Day One
A poem about sobriety
It’s 9:25 on a beautiful
70-degree summer morning
in the ever-woke Das Kapital.
You’re listening to
one-oh-FUCK point SHIT— THE ASS.
I know I’ve said this before,
but I’ll say it again— and again
and again, until it sticks
Like a zombie hoard,
sobriety ever encroaching.
The peeling porch,
seems so much dimmer without her.
I talked to your father,
he said, “No hard feelings,”
and thank you.
I cried
in another half empty apartment.
Back to reenacting the trauma cycle,
the ritualistic humiliation dance,
a Truman Show hell of my own creation,
all because a voice in my head
got too loud to ignore.
I will go down with this ship.
I will put up my hands up and surrender.
Sunk in the chair,
dropping ash onto my floor.
I am fucked.
I’ll clean it later.
Today is day one off weed for me after two months back on it. It does render me unable to execute much and my adhd impulsivity is worse too. It helps for my hEDS pain like a lot but yeah I haven’t put much effort into my new business and I feel badly about myself a lot. Day one I treat myself like I’m in a detox — I’ve quit hundreds of times — once the scale tips into hurting more than helping. I hate AA so I won’t be going there, but sober community is good and helpful. HMU if you want to help each other stay accountable by checking in w texts :).
Fibromyalgia from long term trauma, check. Chronic pain emanating from the right hip and previous surgeries on that side, check. Proactively gone through every medication, procedure, etc and still no help from docs, check. Lifelong cannabis user that’s recently stopped to help reset (and job hunt), check.
Weird coincidences…
I’ve been going to the gym like 5x a week for 2.5 years and now going to shift my work towards weight loss (I’m not very overweight, I carry a lot of muscle, but hoping getting lighter will help the hip eventually).
I will say this, the THC/CBD oils/lotions do help a bit and you get no real intoxicating effects, but since nothing helps completely, resetting my nervous system is my focus. I’ll stay tuned and see how it goes for you, but know many of us are out here w the same issues.