37 year old professional therapist here who didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until I was 30 and got diagnosed with Autism this year. There's so much incredible wisdom in here. Thank you for your radical honesty and for putting this out for all to learn from.
To be fair, I stole a lot of these ideas verbatim from my therapist haha. She actually helped me outline this article. This is the culmination of over a year of work. Anyone who tells you therapy is useless just hasn’t found the right therapist yet. Thank you for doing the lord’s work!
I want to comment on so many parts of this I have no idea where to start. I think my dad and my husband’s mom were both in the same boat as your dad, i.e. undiagnosed, white-knuckling it and thus pretty unhinged. Neither did the undressing thing tho, that sounds weirdly horrifying, I’m sorry you had to go through it.
My kid has meltdowns when things are weird or unexpected and we have a shorthand and sort of general understanding of how we handle it, as well as an understanding of the fact that if he says something super rude or mean during one he doesn’t mean it and will feel genuinely sorry later. I think his fortune is that he is born to two neurospicy weirdos so we naturally accommodated a lot of his weirdness before even having the diagnosis because we intuitively got it, being similarly afflicted.
I keep thinking how neurodivergent people are really canaries in the mine. Like, regular people absolutely have meltdowns too, they just take longer to push over the edge and are better at controlling it. But the same things trigger us ultimately. Mostly feeling trapped and loss of control.
I wish my dad was more like you! I was just talking about the canary in the coal mine thing with my wife today. I think we’re seeing such an explosion in autism diagnoses because the world is becoming increasingly more unbearable and more of us borderline low-support-needs autistics are getting to a point where we just can’t take it anymore.
Oh man I have literal nightmares about my kid ending up with mean insensitive parents who try to push some sort of hardline with him, I literally don’t think he would survive. It kills me to think how many kids have to suffer through that. My husband’s mom was horrifically abusive when he was small and man, the scars don’t heal.
Yeah absolutely that! I mean, literally everyone is cracking at the seams. Just that the neurospicy can’t conceal it.
My friend works in a school and wanted to work with autistic kids and she was like ‘every single measure we introduce to make life easier for neurodivergent kiddos would actually benefit every single kid. We just don’t have the system or the resources to do it for everyone’. So hence if you’re not at the verge of breakdown, just keep on trucking.
I am LEAVING if my dad ever says some mean shit to my kid haha. I was thinking about that too, how everybody’s gonna come crying to me for answers when all of a sudden their nervous system is fucked up. Autistic people would be so helpful in a Fallout-type situation lol
i had a much different childhood and i’m so sorry for what you went through.
most of my trauma is medical and it’s tough not to meltdown any time i have to see a doctor.
the remainder of your newsletter was spot on though. the graphic about meltdowns made me cry because i felt seen.
i have experienced the so-called “behavioral health” system firsthand and it is more abusive than you can imagine. the list of incredibly harmful drugs i was forced to take under threat of injection include depakote, lithium, halodol and a bunch of “mood stabilizers”. (the blunt end of a toothbrush is super helpful when you throw up the terrifying chemicals they just crammed into you. no one ever noticed that i carried my toothbrush around and hit the bathroom every time someone medicated me.). i’m also vegetarian and was denied real food for days because no one would put in the order. it fucked my stomach up and i still can’t eat a normal meal. all because i had a weird manic reaction to stopping zoloft suddenly (supply issue during covid). the doctors, nurses and techs in these places are absolute sadists. there’s no one to report them to and florida now has an UNLIMITED TIME hold over you once you’re in these places.
why am i writing about this? because what you posted really helped me feel less alone and so i thought my story might help others. AND i want to warn people that this is how the new administration will handle difficult people: police and handcuffs and unlimited holds with forced medication until you can’t function.
i wouldn’t touch an SSRI with a ten foot pole and i have every poison they forced on me listed as an allergy on my medical record. i have found that a super tiny (2.5mg) dose of lorazepam will cut through flashbacks and thought spirals and often help me avoid a meltdown.
I was one of those people who would’ve sworn off therapy completely if it wasn’t for my current neurodivergent-affirming therapist. The system is beyond fucked. Mental hospitals treat you like an inmate. I too am very concerned what the mental health system will look like under this new administration. Very scary times. Stay safe!
Fascinatingly relatable read; stunningly similar family scenario, except my Dad (almost certainly autistic too) very rarely got cross with me, though I am still reeling from the one time I recall him picking me up, in a rage, putting me across his lap, and beating me(!); next time he tried that, I was prepared; I dodged the initial attempt to grab me and then found myself in mid air, chambered for a kick to his head, like Princess Fiona in Shrek, however, I was able to hold back as that would've been seen as unreasonable. Mum on the ither hand, well, whilst she never hit me there were many times I'd run out of the house when she was melting down (thst was how I was introduced to how meltdowns are seen from the outside: hysterical weeping and plate throwing...many years later, whilst homeless, a neighbour from opposite remarked that she and her husband had felt so sorry for me when they saw me run out of the house and climb up the garage door to sit safely(!) in the roof; that was in response to a plate throwing incident...
Nonetheless I enjoyed reading your post!! Very resonant...
This is the exact type of scenario I’d like to avoid if my wife and I have kids one day. I know I will have meltdowns, but I hope to be able to explain it in a way that minimizes the damage it does to my children. It’s not personal, dad just gets a little crazy sometimes 🤣
Tysm! That’s the stuff that pours out of me. The autism is like, hey, let’s do a 5,000 deep dive on this deeply troubling topic. The ADHD in me is like we need more Shrek references.
I love your connections between trauma, self care, and meltdowns. My partner had a mamma-jamma of a meltdown fairly recently and it was all directly tied to trauma, and zero self-care. I also loved how you described your father's process of escalating. My mum and his dad did the same. damn. thing. Going to restack this piece. Thanks for sharing.
I’m glad this resonated with you! The older I get, the more I come to the conclusion that our parents just didn’t have the right mental framework to take care of themselves, and by extension, their kids.
Thanks. I'm in it right now. Can't eat don't want to see anybody and can't stop thinking about a security guard who told me to fuck off out of nowhere. I wanna hurt that guy. And I don't think I actually disagree with half the shit I was saying while in the height of it yesterday but...I dunno. The wellness stuff has a limit. The community stuff is not a given. I am having the vengeance fantasy and ideation every 5 minutes.
Still. It was....really really really good to see that it's not just me. And your dad and my dad are the same guy. He fucking held me by the neck over a balcony for not eating with a knife and fork one Sunday in 2005.
It's hard not to think this diagnosis isn't just a brand or curse I've got to wear forever on the outside and always so angry with this insane world and the morons that populate it.
I feel that. I used to rant about former bosses, my dad, people who made rude comments in public— I’d sit there in my car monologuing to myself for hours. It’s like the feeling is so intense, I just need somewhere to put it, some deserving party to blame it on. Explains why it’s so easy to exploit people’s anger for political gain.
My dad was a table manners Nazi! Never held me over a balcony for it 😅 that’s genuinely insane but I’m glad I’m not the only one who goes through this, too!
I want to “normalize radical honesty” too, I actually think it’s why the autism numbers are growing, the world needs the truth and even biology is adapting!
I absolutely drew graphs like (low frequency, for regulated, high frequency for dysregulated) that for my therapist once. I love graphs. They diagnosed me with BPD. Hahahaha you fools!!!! I’ve been autistic and ADHD all along!!!! Suck it, dad!
I just wanted to say how much your post moved me—it was so raw and heartfelt. Funny enough, it even started raining as I read it, as if the universe decided to set the mood. I’m so sorry to hear about the difficult childhood you had, but I’m so glad to see you’re in a better place now.
It feels like such a meaningful coincidence because earlier today I wrote a post about meltdowns too, though from a slightly different perspective. It’s fascinating how everyone experiences and interprets them differently, yet your words resonated with me on such a deep level. It was like I could feel your pain and understand it in a way that was almost tangible
Thanks for writing this! I’m 43 and just learned I’m AuDHD like last year… it’s been both a relief to learn this about myself and also really difficult to deal with too. I’ve got 40 years of masking and less than ideal coping mechanisms to break, hate my job and realizing how bad it is for my mental health but feel too old to change careers (I’m not but still how I feel).
I really like how you described the wave, especially the bit about getting *bored* with the depression which allows you to start clawing your way out and start to feel better, only to overdo it and find yourself back in the meltdown hole again. This is how I’ve been thinking about it for myself as well, but you worded it really well. You are a good writer.
The meltdowns are truly a force of nature that can't fully be understood unless experienced firsthand. Flying off the handle and destroying everything in sight like Danaerys at Kings Landing because my 3rd attempt at a password failed or I couldn't get a jar open.
And then the intense, INTENSE self-hatred and profound suicidality that follows. Eventually, my mind had to square the circle so it created an elaborate pro-suicide philosophy that insisted this world was a hostile, alien habitat to the neurodivergent and there was only one logical solution. I'm not quite sure I've eschewed that philosophy, if we're just being honest here. The jury remains out on that one. But it is always refreshing to read the accounts of others who've travelled and continue to travel this hellish road of gravel and broken glass.
Like I fully recognize that it’s probably going to end in doom, but if I’m not trying to make that doom a little more bearable for the people around me, then I’m kinda being a dick, is how I see it.
I relate to this so much! I’m trying to find the silver lining, still looking for a *way to be* that protects me from the world. I think I gotta lean into hope, because I’ve already taken the nihilism bus enough times. I know where it stops.
You write with the benevolent fury and cosmic irony of an Old Testament God. I'm not sure what I mean, but I love your work. Your rock-tumbler mind has turned some big nuggets of shit into absolute gems.
Thanks for writing about this. Your experiences with your dad sound familiar - my dad wasn't aggressive but rather withdrew from everything. Now, I think he is probably neurodivergent -- he had frequent meltdowns, tended to be argumentative, refused to do things if they were "sprung on him at the last minute" and even refused to go to my sports events because it was too exhausting. He's older and more mellow (slightly) now but some of this remains, straining our relationship. Sensitive and AuDHD myself, I responded by minimizing my interactions with him. I see a lot of your discussion on meltdowns in myself - I've had three in the last few days (love cleaning on a deadline) but I'm working on learning to manage them by figuring out my triggers and finding ways to support myself. Thanks for your work.
37 year old professional therapist here who didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until I was 30 and got diagnosed with Autism this year. There's so much incredible wisdom in here. Thank you for your radical honesty and for putting this out for all to learn from.
To be fair, I stole a lot of these ideas verbatim from my therapist haha. She actually helped me outline this article. This is the culmination of over a year of work. Anyone who tells you therapy is useless just hasn’t found the right therapist yet. Thank you for doing the lord’s work!
I want to comment on so many parts of this I have no idea where to start. I think my dad and my husband’s mom were both in the same boat as your dad, i.e. undiagnosed, white-knuckling it and thus pretty unhinged. Neither did the undressing thing tho, that sounds weirdly horrifying, I’m sorry you had to go through it.
My kid has meltdowns when things are weird or unexpected and we have a shorthand and sort of general understanding of how we handle it, as well as an understanding of the fact that if he says something super rude or mean during one he doesn’t mean it and will feel genuinely sorry later. I think his fortune is that he is born to two neurospicy weirdos so we naturally accommodated a lot of his weirdness before even having the diagnosis because we intuitively got it, being similarly afflicted.
I keep thinking how neurodivergent people are really canaries in the mine. Like, regular people absolutely have meltdowns too, they just take longer to push over the edge and are better at controlling it. But the same things trigger us ultimately. Mostly feeling trapped and loss of control.
I wish my dad was more like you! I was just talking about the canary in the coal mine thing with my wife today. I think we’re seeing such an explosion in autism diagnoses because the world is becoming increasingly more unbearable and more of us borderline low-support-needs autistics are getting to a point where we just can’t take it anymore.
Oh man I have literal nightmares about my kid ending up with mean insensitive parents who try to push some sort of hardline with him, I literally don’t think he would survive. It kills me to think how many kids have to suffer through that. My husband’s mom was horrifically abusive when he was small and man, the scars don’t heal.
Yeah absolutely that! I mean, literally everyone is cracking at the seams. Just that the neurospicy can’t conceal it.
My friend works in a school and wanted to work with autistic kids and she was like ‘every single measure we introduce to make life easier for neurodivergent kiddos would actually benefit every single kid. We just don’t have the system or the resources to do it for everyone’. So hence if you’re not at the verge of breakdown, just keep on trucking.
I am LEAVING if my dad ever says some mean shit to my kid haha. I was thinking about that too, how everybody’s gonna come crying to me for answers when all of a sudden their nervous system is fucked up. Autistic people would be so helpful in a Fallout-type situation lol
i had a much different childhood and i’m so sorry for what you went through.
most of my trauma is medical and it’s tough not to meltdown any time i have to see a doctor.
the remainder of your newsletter was spot on though. the graphic about meltdowns made me cry because i felt seen.
i have experienced the so-called “behavioral health” system firsthand and it is more abusive than you can imagine. the list of incredibly harmful drugs i was forced to take under threat of injection include depakote, lithium, halodol and a bunch of “mood stabilizers”. (the blunt end of a toothbrush is super helpful when you throw up the terrifying chemicals they just crammed into you. no one ever noticed that i carried my toothbrush around and hit the bathroom every time someone medicated me.). i’m also vegetarian and was denied real food for days because no one would put in the order. it fucked my stomach up and i still can’t eat a normal meal. all because i had a weird manic reaction to stopping zoloft suddenly (supply issue during covid). the doctors, nurses and techs in these places are absolute sadists. there’s no one to report them to and florida now has an UNLIMITED TIME hold over you once you’re in these places.
why am i writing about this? because what you posted really helped me feel less alone and so i thought my story might help others. AND i want to warn people that this is how the new administration will handle difficult people: police and handcuffs and unlimited holds with forced medication until you can’t function.
i wouldn’t touch an SSRI with a ten foot pole and i have every poison they forced on me listed as an allergy on my medical record. i have found that a super tiny (2.5mg) dose of lorazepam will cut through flashbacks and thought spirals and often help me avoid a meltdown.
I was one of those people who would’ve sworn off therapy completely if it wasn’t for my current neurodivergent-affirming therapist. The system is beyond fucked. Mental hospitals treat you like an inmate. I too am very concerned what the mental health system will look like under this new administration. Very scary times. Stay safe!
Fascinatingly relatable read; stunningly similar family scenario, except my Dad (almost certainly autistic too) very rarely got cross with me, though I am still reeling from the one time I recall him picking me up, in a rage, putting me across his lap, and beating me(!); next time he tried that, I was prepared; I dodged the initial attempt to grab me and then found myself in mid air, chambered for a kick to his head, like Princess Fiona in Shrek, however, I was able to hold back as that would've been seen as unreasonable. Mum on the ither hand, well, whilst she never hit me there were many times I'd run out of the house when she was melting down (thst was how I was introduced to how meltdowns are seen from the outside: hysterical weeping and plate throwing...many years later, whilst homeless, a neighbour from opposite remarked that she and her husband had felt so sorry for me when they saw me run out of the house and climb up the garage door to sit safely(!) in the roof; that was in response to a plate throwing incident...
Nonetheless I enjoyed reading your post!! Very resonant...
💜🌶🧠🌶💜
This is the exact type of scenario I’d like to avoid if my wife and I have kids one day. I know I will have meltdowns, but I hope to be able to explain it in a way that minimizes the damage it does to my children. It’s not personal, dad just gets a little crazy sometimes 🤣
Sorry you are an EXCEPTIONALLY funny writer
Tysm! That’s the stuff that pours out of me. The autism is like, hey, let’s do a 5,000 deep dive on this deeply troubling topic. The ADHD in me is like we need more Shrek references.
Yeah I laughed at a bunch of places which is unexpected for a piece of this sort of weight.
I love your connections between trauma, self care, and meltdowns. My partner had a mamma-jamma of a meltdown fairly recently and it was all directly tied to trauma, and zero self-care. I also loved how you described your father's process of escalating. My mum and his dad did the same. damn. thing. Going to restack this piece. Thanks for sharing.
I’m glad this resonated with you! The older I get, the more I come to the conclusion that our parents just didn’t have the right mental framework to take care of themselves, and by extension, their kids.
Thanks. I'm in it right now. Can't eat don't want to see anybody and can't stop thinking about a security guard who told me to fuck off out of nowhere. I wanna hurt that guy. And I don't think I actually disagree with half the shit I was saying while in the height of it yesterday but...I dunno. The wellness stuff has a limit. The community stuff is not a given. I am having the vengeance fantasy and ideation every 5 minutes.
Still. It was....really really really good to see that it's not just me. And your dad and my dad are the same guy. He fucking held me by the neck over a balcony for not eating with a knife and fork one Sunday in 2005.
It's hard not to think this diagnosis isn't just a brand or curse I've got to wear forever on the outside and always so angry with this insane world and the morons that populate it.
I dunno. Thanks mate. I see you.
I feel that. I used to rant about former bosses, my dad, people who made rude comments in public— I’d sit there in my car monologuing to myself for hours. It’s like the feeling is so intense, I just need somewhere to put it, some deserving party to blame it on. Explains why it’s so easy to exploit people’s anger for political gain.
My dad was a table manners Nazi! Never held me over a balcony for it 😅 that’s genuinely insane but I’m glad I’m not the only one who goes through this, too!
Godspeed, brother 🫡
I want to “normalize radical honesty” too, I actually think it’s why the autism numbers are growing, the world needs the truth and even biology is adapting!
I absolutely drew graphs like (low frequency, for regulated, high frequency for dysregulated) that for my therapist once. I love graphs. They diagnosed me with BPD. Hahahaha you fools!!!! I’ve been autistic and ADHD all along!!!! Suck it, dad!
😂 😂
Thanks for your honesty. It was hard to read and also really helpful
I just wanted to say how much your post moved me—it was so raw and heartfelt. Funny enough, it even started raining as I read it, as if the universe decided to set the mood. I’m so sorry to hear about the difficult childhood you had, but I’m so glad to see you’re in a better place now.
It feels like such a meaningful coincidence because earlier today I wrote a post about meltdowns too, though from a slightly different perspective. It’s fascinating how everyone experiences and interprets them differently, yet your words resonated with me on such a deep level. It was like I could feel your pain and understand it in a way that was almost tangible
I love when the universe sets the mood for us 🥰 I’m glad it resonated!
Thanks for writing this! I’m 43 and just learned I’m AuDHD like last year… it’s been both a relief to learn this about myself and also really difficult to deal with too. I’ve got 40 years of masking and less than ideal coping mechanisms to break, hate my job and realizing how bad it is for my mental health but feel too old to change careers (I’m not but still how I feel).
I really like how you described the wave, especially the bit about getting *bored* with the depression which allows you to start clawing your way out and start to feel better, only to overdo it and find yourself back in the meltdown hole again. This is how I’ve been thinking about it for myself as well, but you worded it really well. You are a good writer.
YES to normalizing radical honesty!
Woo hoo! You got this! Keep speaking your truth brother!
The meltdowns are truly a force of nature that can't fully be understood unless experienced firsthand. Flying off the handle and destroying everything in sight like Danaerys at Kings Landing because my 3rd attempt at a password failed or I couldn't get a jar open.
And then the intense, INTENSE self-hatred and profound suicidality that follows. Eventually, my mind had to square the circle so it created an elaborate pro-suicide philosophy that insisted this world was a hostile, alien habitat to the neurodivergent and there was only one logical solution. I'm not quite sure I've eschewed that philosophy, if we're just being honest here. The jury remains out on that one. But it is always refreshing to read the accounts of others who've travelled and continue to travel this hellish road of gravel and broken glass.
Like I fully recognize that it’s probably going to end in doom, but if I’m not trying to make that doom a little more bearable for the people around me, then I’m kinda being a dick, is how I see it.
I relate to this so much! I’m trying to find the silver lining, still looking for a *way to be* that protects me from the world. I think I gotta lean into hope, because I’ve already taken the nihilism bus enough times. I know where it stops.
I've done both and landed on them being two sides of the same coin.
You write with the benevolent fury and cosmic irony of an Old Testament God. I'm not sure what I mean, but I love your work. Your rock-tumbler mind has turned some big nuggets of shit into absolute gems.
Love this haha, thanks for the sub!
Wow... unbelievable! I actually listened twice. I was so enamored by the WAY told the story I lost allot of the nuance of the story.
I went and listened again while reading along...
What a rollercoaster journey you take us on!!!
THANK YOU!! 🙏🙏🙏
Liking, Commenting, and Restacking that sht!
I’m glad you enjoyed it! 😊
Thanks for writing about this. Your experiences with your dad sound familiar - my dad wasn't aggressive but rather withdrew from everything. Now, I think he is probably neurodivergent -- he had frequent meltdowns, tended to be argumentative, refused to do things if they were "sprung on him at the last minute" and even refused to go to my sports events because it was too exhausting. He's older and more mellow (slightly) now but some of this remains, straining our relationship. Sensitive and AuDHD myself, I responded by minimizing my interactions with him. I see a lot of your discussion on meltdowns in myself - I've had three in the last few days (love cleaning on a deadline) but I'm working on learning to manage them by figuring out my triggers and finding ways to support myself. Thanks for your work.